It is done!
The book is finished. Well, the first draft, anyway.
Approximately 118K words. It’s hard to tell how many pages, because apparently I wasn’t composing paragraphs correctly, but that’s okay, I need to go through everything and do a second draft anyway, so I will fix them then. It will probably end up 400-450 pages give or take.
Just for kicks, I ran it through a word frequency counter. The most common word was I. I suppose that’s not surprising, considering it is a diary. I is used 5556 times. It really is all about me! Or…um…Harold.
I had to go way down the list to find a word that wasn’t run of the mill, and then I found three all grouped together. Oddly enough, God, Fuck and Ass are all used 67 times each. Feel free to draw your own conclusions.
Monkeys is used 54 times and monkey is used 40 times. What is up with that?
Some others:
Stupid 46 times
Sex and Fucking 45 times each
Love 44 times
Kill 42 times
Hell 38 times
Pee 37 times
Death 34 times
Homeless 33 times (yeah, the homeless have it rough in this book)
Jesus and babies 31 times each
Shoes 25 times (shoes?)
Cheese 24 times (I DO like cheese)
Shit 22 times
War and gummy 19 times each
Toilet 17 times
Naked 15 times
Underwear and motherfucker 13 times each
Zombies 10 times
Urine and pregnant and hookers 9 times each
Orgasm and heroin 8 times each
Mermaids and masturbating and Aquaman 7 times each
Supermodels and Ninjas and robots 6 times each
Voodoo and skateboard and nipples 5 times each
Unicorns and penises and diapers 4 times each
Trolls and twinkies, and sycophants 3 times each
Vagisil and townspeople and testicles twice each
And on and on and on…
As I think I said once before, when all is said and done I don’t think I’ll be sitting on Oprah’s couch plugging the book. Mrs. Fab thinks I’ll have a shot at The Daily Show, though. She is, of course, delusional from all the studying.
I gotta tell you, I limped to the finish line on this. Once I started work it was a realy struggle to finish. If I was still unemployed, I could have finished in less than a week rather than the month that it took me.
Now begins the big project of the second draft which will hopefully make it flow better. Also, I need to increase the funny.
And if I can get my slug lines right, I can die a happy man. Lynda is trying to help me, but bless her heart, I am an idiot.
I added the title page and the dedication page and the table of contents (even though I don’t have names for all the chapters yet). Wow…it almost looks like a book.
I will get a lot of work done when we are in California. It will still probably take me the better part of the rest of the year, because I have a shorter book I want to get to work on as well.
But for the next day or two, I’m gonna just…breathe.
Just a collection of samplings from the cluttered mind of someone who has managed to get into his 40's without really growing up. You won't find anything profound here. In the immortal words of Edie Brickell "Choke me in the shallow water before I get too deep". Indeed. She was so wise. It's a shame she died so young. Edie, we hardly knew ye. What? She's not dead? Well, her career is.
Catch said:
on February 20, 2007 at 12:10 am
I do.not.believe.I.am.first….hahahaha. Congrats baby!!! You did it!!!! I am proud of you!!!!! Now take a rest for a couple days! You deserve it.
Michele said:
on February 20, 2007 at 12:12 am
I am everything and everything is me!
Shelli said:
on February 20, 2007 at 12:14 am
What the hell does that mean?
Congratulations. I am so proud of you!
Michele said:
on February 20, 2007 at 12:14 am
Damn it Catch what are you doing up
this time of night.
snavy said:
on February 20, 2007 at 12:19 am
Pre-mommy, I was a copy editor.
Just saying …
In my opinion, monkey, monkeys and cheese were not used enough.
Don’t even get me started on the infrequency of zombie references.
Michele said:
on February 20, 2007 at 12:20 am
The most common word I that doesn’t surprise
me. It’s all about you,you ,you.
What about me “Damn it”
Janna said:
on February 20, 2007 at 12:41 am
Hey, neat! You wrote a book!
That’s something I’ve always wanted to do.
Congratulations on finishing the first draft, and congrats also on the fact that it apparently does not contain the words “itching,” “rash,” “infected,” or “Oprah.”
What the heck is your fascination with the word “monkey”?
Nice touch, adding both trolls AND zombies.
I want to buy it already.
Kat said:
on February 20, 2007 at 1:03 am
Way to Go! It is a bitch trying to write around a full time job…406 days and counting… I’m two chapters from finishing this kids book and hopelessly stuck, mired in nonsense, commenting on Fab’s blog instead of writing….argh.
Tricia said:
on February 20, 2007 at 1:14 am
Congrats! That must feel good!
now … hmmm what I’d like to know is what do Urine and pregnant hookers have to do with each other? ahhhh probably shouldn’t ask … LOL
bluepaintred said:
on February 20, 2007 at 1:30 am
i didnt see bluepaintred anywhere in that list
Mel said:
on February 20, 2007 at 5:43 am
Yah for you!!!! Thats quite an accomplishment!! LOL Tell Oprah I said HI!
Annie Drogynous said:
on February 20, 2007 at 5:50 am
Congrats! Like I said before, I better have made it to the dedication page.
Vagisil? Using that twice is a feat in itself.
Christa said:
on February 20, 2007 at 6:21 am
Well, if you want a cover done, let me know.
’tis would be for free this time, no matter what you say :p
Nessa said:
on February 20, 2007 at 6:36 am
Congratulations!
Double spaced with one inch margins you’ll get 250 words on a manuscript page.
A paperback book has approximately 440 words to a page.
The Da Vinci Code was 175,000 words and 465 pages in paperback.
I knew you needed to know; D
Mr. Fabulous said:
on February 20, 2007 at 6:47 am
Catch–Thank you my friend! And kudos on being first!
Michele–Slipping a little bit, are we? :)
Shelli–Thanks sis! Um…it’s complicated. At least for me…
Nessa–That is good information! Now how do I do my slug lines, smarty-pants?
Christa–We shall see…LOL
Annie–NOT the dedication page. That’s just for Mrs. Fab. I am sure we can squeeze you in on the acknowledgements page, though LOL
Mel–No…not Oprah…Aggggghhh!
Blue–Well, I think it’s implied…
Tricia–I don’t remember the hookers as being pregnant, although you never know…
Kat–Hey, put in a monkey or two! Everyone loves monkeys!
Janna–Well now, I can’t be sure it doesn’t contain those words. I can send you the entire list if you want LOL
Snavy–Really? More zombies? You’re right, they are popular these days. I can fix that in the second draft…
DutchBitch said:
on February 20, 2007 at 7:09 am
Pffttt who wants to be on Oprah’s couch anyway… You’d just fall off when Tom’s jumping up and down on there again…
Oprah should be wanting to be on your couch!
Katherine said:
on February 20, 2007 at 9:19 am
Mucho congrats!! Way big accomplishment. Little concerned about the number of times you used “monkey,” but knowing you, you made it work.
CanadianSwiss said:
on February 20, 2007 at 9:41 am
Congratulations, Fab! Great job! But how come you had the words sex and fucking 45 times each and only 8 orgasms. Was it that bad? LOL
Tisha said:
on February 20, 2007 at 9:43 am
Sorry I haven’t been around lately, been crazy!
MAZAL TOV on finishing the 1st draft! I’ll get my autographed copy when you do your book signing in Europe!!
Glad the Mr. Fab Show was archived I wouldn’t have wanted to miss those pearls of wisdom! So you’re a PayPerPost whore now, typical!
So sorry to hear about Eddie, wish him courage – just love his work!
Oooooh and March 10th PARTY TIME! A whole fuckin hour!
speck said:
on February 20, 2007 at 10:26 am
well at least fucktard didn’t make the list.
kisses.
Da Pup
Mistress Yoda said:
on February 20, 2007 at 10:45 am
I figure someday you’ll inspire me…is there a class I can take?
Chrissy said:
on February 20, 2007 at 10:55 am
Excellent stuff, Fab! Interesting that Urine and pregnant and hookers are all in there 9 times each! LOL!
CruiserMel said:
on February 20, 2007 at 11:03 am
What? You only wrote “penises” four times? I’m so disappointed. So is Oprah.
themuttprincess said:
on February 20, 2007 at 11:16 am
WIth the words you used and the number of times that they were used it draws a very interesting picture. Of what… Who knows. I am very glad that you got the draft done. Good luck naming the chapters…
Lynda said:
on February 20, 2007 at 11:25 am
I will drive the information into you somehow. Even if I have to slug you.
Karl said:
on February 20, 2007 at 11:27 am
Congrats, dude! Way to go. Geez, you’re making me look bad. I really should get my ass in gear and finish my novel.
Peety said:
on February 20, 2007 at 11:32 am
Congratulations on your first draft.. I am really proud of you… Really looking forward to reading it.. Keep us posted… *hugs*
Finn said:
on February 20, 2007 at 11:39 am
That’s quite an accomplishment. You did good. Now while you’re breathing for a day or so can you come visit me?
Michele said:
on February 20, 2007 at 11:39 am
Are you rewriting the bible?
God,67x’s
Jesus,31x’s
Hell,38x’s
The 4 Gospels are now
The books of Supermodels,Zombies,Trolls and Ninjas.
Slick said:
on February 20, 2007 at 11:46 am
Just the word list alone has me excited ;)
SwanShadow said:
on February 20, 2007 at 11:52 am
I still think the book will sell better if you don’t mention that your name is Harold.
And, looking over the list of frequently appearing words, there’s one more thing it needs:
More cowbell.
Miss Britt said:
on February 20, 2007 at 11:53 am
YEAH!!!!!!!! congratulations babe!!
Blogarita said:
on February 20, 2007 at 12:15 pm
Congrats but I think you just lost a sale by posting the word list. I can probably fill in the blanks and not even need to read it now.
J. said:
on February 20, 2007 at 12:16 pm
What an accomplishment Fab. Seriously.
Now get to work on the second draft. I want to read the damn thing sometime this lifetime.
Attila the Mom said:
on February 20, 2007 at 12:28 pm
What, no lemurs?
Tug said:
on February 20, 2007 at 12:36 pm
:clap_tb:YEA YEA YEA FOR YOU!!!!!
WHOOT WHOO!!!!!! Go Fab, Go Fab, Go Fab Go!! ok, putting the pom poms away now. Taking a rest, having a cig. 
awesome job. Serioulsy.
Tug said:
on February 20, 2007 at 12:48 pm
Why does it look like I have the clap up there? I DON’T. That would mean boy cooties.
mixednut said:
on February 20, 2007 at 1:08 pm
Way to go Fab!
Now I know what Aquaman does in his spare time.
bluepaintred said:
on February 20, 2007 at 1:43 pm
did you just call me a motherfucking zombie hooker? I think you did. Thats mean
Mr. Fabulous said:
on February 20, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Blue–No way! You KNOW I adore you! You could never be a zombie…zombies don’t like coffee…Little known fact.
Mixed–I have been wondering where you were my friend!
Tug–You can leave your pom poms out if you want…Oh, you actually mean pom poms…
Attila–Lemurs are SO 2006…
J–Yes ma’am. I love it when you get all forceful…
Blogarita–That is just a little of the word list. But if you want, I can send you the whole list and you can put it together like a puzzle…
Britt–Thanks, doll!
SwanShadow–Very good point, actually…
Slick–If it induces a slick boner, that is high praise indeed…
Finn–I thought you were coming up here to relive old memories…
Peety–Thanks hon! You give the best hugs!
Karl–I like it when you talk about your ass…
Lynda–Meanie!
CruiserMel–But it is probably mentioned in the singular lots of times..
The Mutt Princess–If you have any suggestions, I am open to them!
Mistress Yoda–Well..maybe I should make a video tape…
Chrissy–Of course, anything can happen in the second draft…
Speck–It may have…I will have to check…
Tisha–It will be a CAN’T MISS!
CS–WOW…I didn’t think about that! LOL
Katherine–Well…we can only hope..LOL
Dutchy–I will NOT appear with Tom Cruise! LOL
mixednut said:
on February 20, 2007 at 2:02 pm
Life, in general, can be overwhelming at times.
It’s good to be back.
You’re saving my sanity, one post at a time!
Michele said:
on February 20, 2007 at 2:18 pm
You forgot about me again.
skeet said:
on February 20, 2007 at 2:49 pm
You have my promise on a stack of skateboarding unicorns: I will be the first in line at my friendly, neighborhood Border’s to buy your book, with or without Oprah’s recommendation. And mahalo nui loa (thank you very much) for helping me focus on my own failings as a writer. I just haven’t included enough salacious material about mermaids masturbating Aquaman.
Dawn (webmiztris) said:
on February 20, 2007 at 3:01 pm
considering the words, it sounds like one HELL of an interesting read, fab. :D
Avitable said:
on February 20, 2007 at 3:03 pm
Very cool - congratulations. And tell the missus good luck next week. I’m sure she’ll kick ass.
Michele said:
on February 20, 2007 at 3:19 pm
I’m proud of you. Not that you need me to be proud, but that’s the one thing I’ve always wanted to do - write a book - and you have, so I’m proud.
mixednut said:
on February 20, 2007 at 3:50 pm
OMG. There’s two of you??
Michele said:
on February 20, 2007 at 3:51 pm
Wow i actually know someone who has written
a book.
Let me know when you might want Oprah to
review it,i’ve got connections.
Michele said:
on February 20, 2007 at 4:08 pm
Hi mixed glad you’re back.
You have a problem with there being two Michele’s.
Shannon said:
on February 20, 2007 at 4:35 pm
What? “Lemurs” appears nowhere in your mass of words?
And my anti-spam word is “oof”. Go figure.
MsDemmie said:
on February 20, 2007 at 4:36 pm
Congratulations
Wot no lemurs ???????????????
CanadianSwiss said:
on February 20, 2007 at 4:55 pm
Now why did I pick that for my comment? Hmm. I must be in need of vitamin C (Orange?) LOL
Lux Lisbon said:
on February 20, 2007 at 4:58 pm
Let me know when I can download it from Pirate Bay ;)
Nobody™ said:
on February 20, 2007 at 5:57 pm
I’ll try to figure out a way for you to get fired, then you can finish the book sooner.
Linda said:
on February 20, 2007 at 6:09 pm
You can’t imagine how happy I am for you, Fab. And to think that someday I can say I “knew” you before you were famous!
Mr. Fabulous said:
on February 20, 2007 at 6:17 pm
Linda–Well, thank you, but I am not there yet!
Lux–I don’t know what that is, but okay!
Nobody–You would do that for me? What a guy!
CS–I know, I was a little surprised!
Ms.Demmie and Shannon–I am trying to quit the lemurs cold turkey…
Michele–You keep oprah away from me, if you know what’s good for you!
Mixed–Well, it is damn good to have you back, my brother!
Avi–She’s doing pretty well on the practice tests…I think it’s all coming together…
Skeet–You know what the problem with Aquaman is? He’s needy and always wants to hang around with Harold LOL
Dawn–Well, I still need to punch it up some!
Michele–Hey, if I can do it, anyone can, believe me!
Michele said:
on February 20, 2007 at 6:31 pm
Don’t you threaten me,you, you,
number 1 best selling author you.
Already you have forgot about the little people.
Oh the humanity!
Crystal said:
on February 20, 2007 at 6:44 pm
it is such a stupendous feeling—congratulations!
marmitetoasty said:
on February 20, 2007 at 6:56 pm
I just KNOW Im on that dedication page LMFAO……. giggling… ripping out the dedication page and tearing it into squares and hanging in the downstairs loo…
x
Michele said:
on February 20, 2007 at 7:10 pm
You need Oprah to push you into the
stratasphere. Succumb to the power of
Oprahs weeve,if you know what’s good for
you.MISTER!
Mistress Yoda said:
on February 20, 2007 at 7:13 pm
What does it go for? $19.95?
Mist 1 said:
on February 20, 2007 at 7:31 pm
I think you should talk more about shoes. I am passing around a petition.
Southern Sweetheart said:
on February 20, 2007 at 7:47 pm
Whooo Hoooo!!! Congrats on the completion of the first draft. I must admit that I am proud of you and in a weird sort of way can’t wait for it to hit the shelf! Can I get a discount? Please? I’m blinking my eyes wildly over here!!!!!!
Oh, and I’m signing Mist 1’s petition up there.
the psycho therapist said:
on February 20, 2007 at 8:12 pm
You know what I think is fascinating, dahlink? I did a series of posts aeons ago utilizing the three most significant words du moment:
god, fuck, penis.
We are so close it’s butter.
Yeah, that’s right.
—
Fantastagirl said:
on February 20, 2007 at 8:20 pm
Glad you got the first draft done!
Yea!!
Katie said:
on February 20, 2007 at 8:36 pm
Congratulations!
The answer to the monkey question is obviously a fetish…. with a monkey wearing shoes. … but since you only had 8 orgasms I’m thinking the sex wasn’t all that great!
My word is Slam. uh-huh…
Tense Teacher said:
on February 20, 2007 at 8:44 pm
Congrats, hon! If you need the eagle eyes of a grammar teacher for editing, let me know; all I will demand in return is that you reserve one of the first signed copies for me.
cindra said:
on February 20, 2007 at 8:56 pm
Wow! Congratulations! I am in awe of you…I never finish anything…and hardly ever start anything either. Good for you, Mr. Fab!
:thumbup_tb:
Jay said:
on February 20, 2007 at 8:57 pm
How the heck did gummy make that list?
Mr. Fabulous said:
on February 20, 2007 at 9:06 pm
Jay–Oh, it’s a complicated tale…
Cindra–Oh please…You are STILL my hero!
Tense–I will remember that. The question is, will I finish it before Mississippi beats all the good grammar out of you…
Katie–I wonder if the monkeys gave me the orgasms…
Fantastagirl–Thanks, buddy!
PT–You know…I think in a former life we knew each other. Perhaps you were a noblewoman and I was a local habberdasher…
Southern Sweetheart–You know I am putty in your hands…
Mist–Shoes? In the book or on the blog?
Mistress Yoda–It will be available in the finest convenience stores and car washes…
Marmy–Heck, I should probably name a character after you…
Crystal–Thank you, my friend!
Michele–That’s a weave?
Michele said:
on February 20, 2007 at 9:39 pm
Oh great show me up, i didn’t spell weave right,
but hell that is no reflection on my intellect.
And it is very disturbing that you know how
to spell it right.
Noi said:
on February 20, 2007 at 9:46 pm
Congrats!! As much as I am looking fwd to reading yoru book, I am a little scared by the usage of words. Haha.
I shall not be recommending this book to my students, they will end up more corrupted that they are haha…which reminds me, is your book PG rated?
Michele said:
on February 20, 2007 at 10:06 pm
Ha ha you blew your cover you must look,
at Oprah to question whether or not it’s a
weave or not.
Barbara said:
on February 20, 2007 at 10:12 pm
Congratulations! What a great accomplishment.
Michele said:
on February 20, 2007 at 10:14 pm
Going to lay down and watch American Idol ,
i’m studdering now.Plus i have the hiccups
Fab post a picture of your ass and scare me. Hiccup!
Janet said:
on February 20, 2007 at 10:49 pm
With the word count, you brought previewing a novel to a whole new level. Well played my friend. Well played:)
MC said:
on February 20, 2007 at 10:57 pm
No dental dams, shaved beavers, dirty sanchezes or texas chili bowls…. hmmm… interesting.
Congrats on plowing through that first draft.
mixednut said:
on February 20, 2007 at 11:00 pm
You must submit to Oprah’s weevil!
cece said:
on February 21, 2007 at 12:56 am
Yay, congratulations!
Mr. Fabulous said:
on February 21, 2007 at 4:58 am
CeCe–Thanks, buddy! It’s not as pretty as your baby, though!
Mixed-Now don’t go encouraging her!
MC–There might be a Cleveland Steamer or two, if that makes you feel better…
Janet–Is that a lot of words? I don’t know how long a novel usually is.
Barbara–Thank you, my friend!
Noi–Hmm…I would say more like a hard R. Lots of sex and violence!
Michele–I have blown a lot of things, but my cover is not one of them…
karaoke queen said:
on February 21, 2007 at 7:04 am
CONGRATS!!! I need a copy. I will absorb it and rant to anyone who will listen to read it. Of course since most people here don’t speak English they’ll probably just think I’m crazy. Ahem…
the psycho therapist said:
on February 21, 2007 at 7:32 am
Harold, you jest but it’s the funniest thing–I read your response above and had a strong visceral resonance–it caught me completely unaware. I wonder if there isn’t something to this. (Even if you just threw it “out there” off the top of your head.) Hunh.
If it is true, it certainly explains my fondness and appreciation for you and your work. You always had/have such incomparable style. Just last evening I thought of you and smiled.
Who knows?
I’m just happy and pleased about the whole damn thing.
Carry on, my good man, carry on.
PS…are you planning on using that penguin for the spring line or has Donnatella made you a better off?
—
Mistress Yoda said:
on February 21, 2007 at 8:07 am
I can get it along with a Slushie!
Diesel said:
on February 21, 2007 at 12:33 pm
Congrats, Fab! That’s an incredible accomplishment. Literally. I don’t believe you did it. I want proof.
mrszigzagman said:
on February 21, 2007 at 12:35 pm
nice job. cant wait till the end of the year.
Violet said:
on February 21, 2007 at 6:14 pm
Congratulations!
So what was the total length of time that it took you from start to finish? Other than working on your second draft, where do you go from here? Are you going to try to find an agent or go unsolicited to the publishing companies?
Very cool that you got the first draft done. What I would consider the hardest part is now over. Good luck with the next step!
grim reality girl said:
on February 21, 2007 at 8:04 pm
YAY for you! Congrats!!!!!
PJ said:
on February 22, 2007 at 3:08 am
Ok sweetie … stop being so dammed excited!!! Has NO ONE told you that the hard work is still to come!!! ha ha …. Put the damn thing aside and work on something else for a month ok? Then go back and do draft 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, …….685456984059684098
Mr. Fabulous said:
on February 22, 2007 at 5:36 am
PJ–I am going to do both..start to work on the second draft and then start to work on a smaller project I have in mind…
GRG–Thanks! :)
Violet–It took about 6 months total. I am going to try to get an agent once I get the second draft done, and I want to start outlining a shorter project I want to do very badly.
MrsZigzagman–Me either. Christmas is so much fun! :)
Diesel–You can’t handle the proof! Wait…that was truth…ah hell…
KQueen–Really, though…don’t most of them already think you are crazy? :)
Mistress Yoda–Well, okay, but don’t spill any on the book!
PT–I think there is definitely something to it. I like hats…you look good in hats…it makes sense!
Anita said:
on February 22, 2007 at 8:03 am
WOW, congrats on finishing! Hopefully you don’t get rid of all the monkeys in the second draft, I loved reading through the word freq. listing.
Kyle Korleski said:
on February 28, 2007 at 8:18 pm
Nice, I can’t wait until I get my book published (really taking a look at Vantage Press this time).