Things to remember on my first day at the new job…
No swearing.
Tell NO ONE about my blog.
Keep my plans about the violent overthrow of the government to myself.
Don’t pee around my cubicle to mark my territory.
Don’t talk to other employees using funny accents.
Don’t refer to customers as godless motherfuckers.
Try to remember that nice rack is not a proper greeting to a female coworker.
Don’t unzip my pants to give “Pepe” a little air.
Don’t hand out nicknames to other employees like “Pus Face”, “Smells like Pee” or “Emits a Disagreeable Odor Not Unlike an Unhealthy Vagina”.
Don’t bring in my collection of squirrel heads to decorate my workspace.
If anyone asks what my hobbies are, don’t say masturbating and animal sacrifice.
Try not to let on how much I hate people.
Above all else: Do not be myself.
It’s going to be a big adjustment after six months of letting it all hang out there. Even at the blood bank I was known to march to the beat of my own drummer. Here I feel like a spy going undercover as a “normal” person.
I hope I can pull it off.
****************************************************************************
Nominations are being accepted for the next installment of the Really Fucking Stupid Blog Awards. There are some interesting categories, that’s for sure. Go over and nominate your faves. Nominations are being accepted through February 6.
Also, today is the first day to vote for the Seventh Annual Weblog Awards. I don’t know if I made it through the nomination process and won’t know until I get home tonight. Stupid work!
Well, that didn’t take long.
*****************************************************************************
Hey, does anyone know if there is a way in Word to find out what words have been used most often in a particular document? I am kind of curious as to what the list would look like for the book. Speaking of which:
Book progress: Yesterday’s word count: 2564. Total word count: 108916.
Just a collection of samplings from the cluttered mind of someone who has managed to get into his 40's without really growing up. You won't find anything profound here. In the immortal words of Edie Brickell "Choke me in the shallow water before I get too deep". Indeed. She was so wise. It's a shame she died so young. Edie, we hardly knew ye. What? She's not dead? Well, her career is.
Michele said:
on January 23, 2007 at 12:07 am
Going going gone BABY!
Michele said:
on January 23, 2007 at 12:15 am
What ever you do don’t mention your blog,
until you feel comfortable and still don’t
mention it.Learn a lesson already,
for crying out loud.
What a brick wall has to fall on you?
Goodnight sweetheart Goodnight.
Shelli said:
on January 23, 2007 at 12:26 am
You know you will be just fine. However, I couldn’t help but think that this might not be the best post for your new co-workers to read. So yeah, I would go with the tell no one about your blog thing.
Say No to Crack said:
on January 23, 2007 at 12:44 am
I made the mistake of telling a co-worker about my blog, and he then told EVERYONE. Not that it’s a huge deal since my site is pretty clean, but still, I wasn’t exactly happy.
Word Counter is an online tool that will count your words. Not sure how large of a doc you can upload, but it’s worth a shot.
Hermetic Word Frequency Counter is free to try out, and should work for any size doc. Not sure what Hermetic means … sounds a little skeevy to me ;)
I can’t wait to see the output. If neither of these work, I’ll write you a Word program that will output the results directly to a file that you can post here.
Good luck,
Anita
~ Stacy ~ said:
on January 23, 2007 at 1:07 am
LMAO! You are soooo funny.
But hey… What’s wrong with talking to other employees in a funny accent? I would think that’s a talent appreciated by all. ;)
Barbara said:
on January 23, 2007 at 1:37 am
Sounds like you’re really trying to make a good impresion.
cheesy said:
on January 23, 2007 at 2:00 am
Yes deary… Please leave the squirrel heads at home.. good call… Good luck in your new adventures,,, but please don’t ever change, Stay Twisted!!
apos said:
on January 23, 2007 at 2:54 am
So how long do you reckon you’ll last in muzzling yerself?
Good Luck with it.
VandalizingThoughts said:
on January 23, 2007 at 3:46 am
Gosh, won’t it be boring than ?
Earning money is boring … isn’t it ?
DutchBitch said:
on January 23, 2007 at 4:56 am
I think you’ve covered just about everything… Maybe add to not let on that you are about to become a polygamist…
treespotter said:
on January 23, 2007 at 5:09 am
oooh… i left you for a while and now you’re going back into work?
wat’s that all about?
need to check the archive now.
Mel said:
on January 23, 2007 at 5:29 am
Good luck with that being Normal thing!
Mr. Fabulous said:
on January 23, 2007 at 5:50 am
Mel–Can you teach me how to be normal? :)
Treespotter–Miss a little, miss a lot LOL
Dutchy–Ooh, that is a very good point. Better right that one down…
Michele–Don’t worry! LOL
Apos–As long as it takes. I can do it!
VandalizingThoughts–It really is. Unless you’re a hooker!
Barbara–Yes, I am determined not to be “the funny guy” here…
Cheesy–I will be as twisted as ever, just not on company time. Out loud, anyway…
Stacy–Well, maybe not on the first few days LOL
Anita–Wow, thanks, I will check these out…you know EVERYTHING!
Shelli–Yep, that is my number one rule!
The Chad said:
on January 23, 2007 at 6:14 am
No squirrel heads? What the hell? If I had a cube it’d be filled with them. And most people I work with already know how much I hate the general public.
MsDemmie said:
on January 23, 2007 at 6:42 am
Good Luck ………………….
You forgot ……….. Turn up
MsDemmie said:
on January 23, 2007 at 6:47 am
And do NOT under any circumstances “pull IT off” - especially in front of femal co-workers !
:wallbash_tb: 
Noi said:
on January 23, 2007 at 7:16 am
Hmm oh well ..even if u are yourself in your job, I still think people will love you after they know you…that is of course, when they know for sure you are not as psycho as you think. Haha!
BTW, whats wrong with talking using funny accents? I do that too:p
Christa said:
on January 23, 2007 at 7:32 am
hehehe….you need to behave too? Now, that’s a bummer.
As for accents…I do that all the time…without even trying ;)
I must offend a LOT of people that way…. :pp
Irish Church Lady said:
on January 23, 2007 at 7:47 am
That’s going to be really hard and stressful for you. I’m sure you’ll come home exhausted. Not that that’s not like the rest of us! Welcome back to the working world of mind your p’s and q’s.
I got so depressed after I took my harrassment training. I figured there was no fun at all to be had at work anymore. Hmmmmmm…..come to think of it, that’s about the time I took up blogging…..think there’s a correlation?
sudiegirl said:
on January 23, 2007 at 7:56 am
Try the “find/replace” function in the “edit” menu.
Oh…good tips for your behavior modification. I wish everyone followed the same examples.
Mistress Yoda said:
on January 23, 2007 at 8:23 am
My favorite cartoon character is Pepe le Pew and now I can’t see Pepe quite the same.
ps. I have no idea what happened with your last job but it sounds scary.
Lux Lisbon said:
on January 23, 2007 at 9:12 am
You forgot “ask if they press charges.”
debkitty said:
on January 23, 2007 at 9:20 am
Good Luck!!! Remember farting loudly is also not acceptable!
Catch said:
on January 23, 2007 at 10:05 am
Oh Fabbie…your gonna be fine in your new job. But above all…do not tell about the blog! Working people dont have the same sense of humor as us. Some of them are actually there to make a living! Imagine that! lol
Finn said:
on January 23, 2007 at 10:06 am
Remembering to wear pants is always high on my list. I’m just saying.
Good luck to today, Fab. I think you’ll do fine pretending to be normal.
ChooChoo said:
on January 23, 2007 at 10:24 am
Hey, how about peeing in someone elses cubicle. That way, everyone will think that they’re freaks and you can use that to make friends
Miss Britt said:
on January 23, 2007 at 10:49 am
Why can’t you do that stuff at work?
Ohhhhh…. on the first DAY you mean. Yeah, you should probably give it until Day 5 or so. At lest for the peeing thing.
pissy said:
on January 23, 2007 at 10:53 am
Not that I don’t want to be supportive~because of COURSE I do…..but I don’t think you can pull “normal” off. It’s just not you.
So be yourself, but maybe just take it down a notch or two.
Good luck, buddy!
Crunchy Rayne said:
on January 23, 2007 at 10:56 am
You have to do the nick names thing. You have to. That’s one of the fun things about working. Except don’t spread them around the work place, just tell us. We won’t tell, I promise.
Nobody said:
on January 23, 2007 at 11:26 am
Having met you in real life, I have this to say:
DO NOT BE YOURSELF!!
I mean that in the best possible way, of course. Most people’s senses of humor are not anywhere as goofy as yours (or mine).
Good luck with the new job!
And seeing as how I have a really fucking stupid blog, maybe I should nominate myself.
themuttprincess said:
on January 23, 2007 at 11:27 am
Good luck on the first day….. I think the best thing is not to tell anyone about your blog. But referring to customers as godless motherfuckers I believe is the correct way to speak of them. (just do not get caught……)
Dave Morris said:
on January 23, 2007 at 11:42 am
I, too, see no worries with calling a spade a spade. Godless motherfuckers is a term that has long been accepted among the service and health provider industries. Also acceptable are “shamless horrid cretins” and “whack’d asshats.”
Karl said:
on January 23, 2007 at 11:53 am
Congrats on the new job, dude. Doesn’t sound like you’re going to enjoy it if you follow all those rules, but hey, it’s work.
Katherine said:
on January 23, 2007 at 12:11 pm
Hope you have a great day at the new job! I also hope there are a lot of weird people there for you to make fun of in your head all day long…
Deb said:
on January 23, 2007 at 12:11 pm
Pepe scares me.
Tug said:
on January 23, 2007 at 12:11 pm
So if you can’t be “you” at work, will you be double “you” when blogging? Double the fun? Your own twin??
CruiserMel said:
on January 23, 2007 at 12:21 pm
First of all: “wham” is my anti-spam word. Mr. Fab, please tell me you weren’t a Wham fan. I feel so dirty now.
Second of all: your list of things to not do on the first day at work should be laminated and posted in every office in America.
katcampbell said:
on January 23, 2007 at 12:29 pm
I hope you remembered to wear underpants. Its very important that you always wear underware to work. Some new faces and circumstances are gonna be great for your writing!
~d said:
on January 23, 2007 at 12:38 pm
I think I shall, re-heat my coffee. Been sitting there since 5:30. Umm, SIX hours!?!
And maybe I will listen to some of The Carpenters.
Yea. Nice way to spend a grey Tuesday.
(ho-hum)
the psycho therapist said:
on January 23, 2007 at 12:38 pm
I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU ALL DAY. I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU AND I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY.
And, if you’re lucky, I will find the name of your new employer and talk about you to them, too. And your co-workers…it’ll be like “The Office”. I’ll find the Dwight Shrute and tell him about those sweaty underpants…and your chocolate semen and…damn, I should’ve put *that* one up on the blog today.
Hmmmm…
—–
*pixie* said:
on January 23, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Hope your first day was a smash!
If you are using an application like Word, there should be a show/find option. You can select words at random in your doc and they will all pop up. That might be a tedious way to go though.
Finn said:
on January 23, 2007 at 12:53 pm
Blogmad hit….
Tisha said:
on January 23, 2007 at 1:14 pm
ha ha you’ll have to contain yourself at work no easy task!
Hey Mr. Fab I already miss you!
Guess who is going to be on My Point Radio tomorrow? Me! Can’t believe it…it’s during your work hours I am sure but I put the details on my blog…you can always download the recording later! Hugz
Mr. Fabulous said:
on January 23, 2007 at 1:20 pm
I’m home for lunch!
Chad–I think everyone should be required to carry a couple squirrel heads with them…
Ms.Demmie–Man, you are piling more rules on me!
Pixie–Yeah, that does sound like a pain…
PT–You can talk about me all you like. I am an open book to you!
Kat–Underpants? I have to wear underpants? No one does that anymore, do they?
D–Yes! More Carpenters!
CruiserMel–I really liked “Careless Whisper”, is that okay?
Tug–Do you really think the world is ready for double me?
Deb–Do not be afraid. Pepe likes you…
Karl–I know, sounds boring, doesn’t it?
Katherine–I can’t tell who the nutjobs are yet…
Dave–I’m glad you checked in, I did not know that…
MuttPrincess–Okay, if you have signed off on it then I guess it’s okay.
Rayne–I know for a fact that you can’t keep a secret LOL
Nobody–I will try to be more like you :)
Britt–I was thinking day 3, but I guess I can wait…
Pissy–You’re right, I can’t tone it down completely…
ChooChoo–Does that work for you? I might try it…
Finn–Pants…pants…doesn’t ring a bell…thanks for the hit!
Catch–Earning a living? That’s crazy talk!
DebKitty–Gee, another rule to remember…
Mistress Yoda–You will find that it even enhances the Pepe experience for you…
Lux–Ooh, I can’t believe I forgot that one!
SudieGirl–Oh, and you always behave yourself? :)
ICL–I think there might be LOL. Everyone needs to relax more!
Noi and Christa–Let’s all get together and talk in funny voices!
Tisha–Ooh, very cool. I will check it out!
Mist 1 said:
on January 23, 2007 at 1:29 pm
I need to print out that list and keep it in my pocket.
Rhea said:
on January 23, 2007 at 1:46 pm
Work is so unnatural, isn’t it? Having to stifle your natural impulses and all.
Bostick said:
on January 23, 2007 at 1:48 pm
You forgot - Dont take a big dump and leave skidmarks in the toilet.
Simon said:
on January 23, 2007 at 2:32 pm
Don’t forget ‘don’t smile too much or look to happy.’ No body trusts a smiler.
Although after reading your blog, that may not be a problem for you.
Michele said:
on January 23, 2007 at 2:37 pm
Hey Fab,you’re playing your biggest and greatest
role of all time,”A Normal Person”
I know for you it is a very demanding part,
it’s a stretch but you can do it.
I’m keeping my fingers crossed,
and remember”Don’t let your right hand know
what your left hand is doing.
Avitable said:
on January 23, 2007 at 2:43 pm
Good luck passing yourself off as normal. I don’t think I could do it.
bluepaintred said:
on January 23, 2007 at 3:04 pm
also, and this is REALLY IMPORTANT. remember to wear clean underwear!
Gawpo said:
on January 23, 2007 at 4:25 pm
Shane!?……..Shane?!………Shane??!!………Come back, Shane…..COME BACK……..
Gawpo said:
on January 23, 2007 at 4:31 pm
“Gawpo’s innocent love of Mr. Fabulous is infectious, so that his longing cry for Mr. Fabulous at the announcement of Mr. Fabulous going back to a real job becomes the blog particpants’ longing for a pure man, a once-and-future hero who may reappear when we need him most.”
Violet said:
on January 23, 2007 at 4:44 pm
I find that not telling anyone about my blog is more difficult than one would think. I am coming up with ideas of things to blog about or talking about something I read on somebody else’s blog… Good luck with that!
zhadi said:
on January 23, 2007 at 5:19 pm
A new job? When did this happen? How many posts have I missed?
Only one person at work knows about my blog and I just don’t write about work-related stuff when I do actually get my butt in gear and post things. I’ve mentioned nice things, but I don’t do any venting.
Anyway, congrats (I think) on your new job!
jerrster said:
on January 23, 2007 at 6:19 pm
I dunno mr faboloso…
some company brown-noser will Google “interesting+jocular+comical+Humorous+witty+clever+ludicrous+facetious+waggish imp”
and your picture will appear.
deny, deny, deny
is all I got to say.
Beth said:
on January 23, 2007 at 7:10 pm
I wouldn’t let the new co-workers know you also come straight home and put on women’s panties-the lacy- kind while watching Dr. Phil. That might scare a few folks away.
Nessa said:
on January 23, 2007 at 7:13 pm
An amazing number of words. I’m am truely sorry that you have gone back to work. I lit a candle for you.
Dawn (webmiztris) said:
on January 23, 2007 at 7:34 pm
do you think you’re capable of never mentioning your blog at work?
I’ve never mentioned mine to ANYbody at work, or even to any customers where I work, but I think my boss knows about my blog. damn cache and URL autofill!!!
geek said:
on January 23, 2007 at 7:57 pm
Good luck brother.
Mr. Fabulous said:
on January 23, 2007 at 8:01 pm
Mist–Let me know, I can autograph it if you want…
Dawn–Well, the boss knows, because I had to tell him why I nwas fired but that’s it!
Nessa–Thank you my friend! I appreciate it!
Michele–Good advice, thanks!
Beth–But it turns you on, right?
Jerrster–Right on man, I’ll stonewall ‘em!
Zhadi–Thanks! I’ll still be writing!
Violet–I know, it’s gonna be tough for sure!
Gawpo–Are you coming on to me? Cause if so, I like it!
Blue–Which is worse, dirty underwear or no underwear?
Avi–No way, you’re too far gone LOL
Simon–Yeah, that shouldn’t be a problem LOL
Bostick–Oh man, this list gets longer all the time…
Rhea–I know, it’s very stifling!
Geek–Thanks, homes!
Michele said:
on January 23, 2007 at 8:19 pm
You and your damn job, i’m feeling neglected.
When you come to California i was going to roll
out the red carpet. Now you get the toughest
gangs neighborhoods tour.MISTER!
You ought to get a bang out of it,literally.
Tense Teacher said:
on January 23, 2007 at 8:22 pm
Normal, huh? Ummm, how ’bout taking each item on that list one at a time? Baby steps, my friend.
mrszigzagman said:
on January 23, 2007 at 8:26 pm
masturbation as a hobby? sweet! i have that hobby too… maybe sometime we can trade notes? oh and the squirrel heads… disguise them as the new trade in furby’s or beanie babies… garlic works well to cover up the pervasive smell of death…. dont ask me how i know….oh btw… busy place… apparently i need to stop by more often
Southern Sweetheart said:
on January 23, 2007 at 8:31 pm
Thanks. I officially spewed tea when I read a few of those. Now my laptop is sticky!
:) Thanks for the laughs. And we have something in common….masturbation is a hobby of mine too! (Singing “it’s a small world afterall” in my best chipmonk voice) haha
Leaveit2Cleavage said:
on January 23, 2007 at 9:08 pm
Good luck!! And DO NOT MENTION YOUR BLOG!!
I think it may be a good idea not to be yourself in the beginning.
PJ said:
on January 23, 2007 at 9:11 pm
All the best Fab … I will be here gently nagging you about keeping up the writing
Monique said:
on January 23, 2007 at 9:16 pm
For a moment, I thought we were working at the same place until you mentioned the 100% employer-paid benefits. Maybe I’m just getting screwed. My company does have an office where you’re at. I’ll look you up just in case. We could instant message all day!!!!!!!
Mr. Fabulous said:
on January 23, 2007 at 9:20 pm
Monique–They do? Now you will have to email me to tell me where you work, You should totally move here. Lots of cute younger men for you!
PJ–Don’t worry boss, I’ll keep at it!
Leave–Very good advice!
Tense–So you think I am biting off more than I can chew?
Michele–You know, I don’t HAVE to show up LOL
Southern Sweetheart–So is that usually how your laptop gets sticky? :)
Mrs.Zigzagman–Please, stop in anytime and talk of masturbation. Our door is always open!
Michele said:
on January 23, 2007 at 9:35 pm
Oh don’t be skeered,gang members are
familar with your site.I get emails from
prison thanking me for turning them on to you.
They can’t wait to meet you ,especially
after that dressing up in drag picture
you posted.
Kristin said:
on January 23, 2007 at 10:24 pm
I think your blog would get you promoted.
Dramedy Girl said:
on January 23, 2007 at 11:05 pm
And don’t forget to keep the lemur sex under wraps. Sex with animals may wave a red flag around your straight co-workers! Good luck!
imhelendt said:
on January 23, 2007 at 11:11 pm
You forgot: NO wearing the banana hammock to work, no dressing in drag, no porn and NO DANCING. ;D
Southern Sweetheart said:
on January 23, 2007 at 11:24 pm
To answer your question ^ up there….
No, and shhhhhhhhhh, everyone doesn’t have to know that!
Tug said:
on January 23, 2007 at 11:47 pm
If we can’t handle it now, we never will. Bring it on twin, bring it on. I can take it, I’m tough.
marty said:
on January 23, 2007 at 11:48 pm
“Best Portrayal of a Normal Employee At the Job” and the nominees are:
If you pull this off, that Oscar statue will adorn your mantle place.
Do you have an acceptance speech?
Lynda said:
on January 24, 2007 at 12:34 am
My spam word is grr! LOL. What about hairpwr?????
You stumped me already with that Word question….
I have failed and am not longer the Word goddess you seek advice from. 
Don’t forget that they require you to keep your pants on also.
Lynda said:
on January 24, 2007 at 12:35 am
grr…again.
Don’t forget that you can tell them about the blog, just don’t give them the address. Give them Shelli’s address instead. LOL.
Neil said:
on January 24, 2007 at 3:06 am
What kind of stuffy office do you work in where you can’t unzip your pants? I would re-think this whole “work” thing.
Annie Drogynous said:
on January 24, 2007 at 5:45 am
Are you going to let them in on your love for lemurs?
Mr. Fabulous said:
on January 24, 2007 at 6:19 am
Annie and Dramedy Girl–Oh ladies, get with the times LOL. This blog has been fairly lemur free for a while :)
Neil–You might be right…will you be my mentor?
Lynda–Ooh, I like that idea! They will be charmed by Belle and forget all about me…
Lynda–Well, you tried, but you did not have the answer. I had to open it up to the peeps. LOL But I still love you, albeit not as much.
Tug–Careful what you ask for LOL
Marty–I prefer to fly by the seat of my pants :)
Kristen–You think? That is not how it has worked out in the past LOL
Helen–This is too much! WHy are you slamming me with all these rules, woman!
Southern Sweetheart–Gotcha. Mums the word…
Michele–I would do very well in a gang…
Lynda said:
on January 24, 2007 at 10:27 am
Ok, let me break it down for you.
The - 5687
A - 8876
I - 9576 (Oops, accidentally counted words with i in it.)
If - 1276
Ok - 4369
Lynda said:
on January 24, 2007 at 10:29 am
I’m sorry, that should have been:
OkAY - 4369
Michele said:
on January 24, 2007 at 6:15 pm
Yep you would fit into something like
“Our Gang” spanky.
It's Me... Maven said:
on January 24, 2007 at 10:31 pm
At least one of your hobbies is not masturbating WITH sacrified animals…
… perhaps I’ve said too much?
PS: Pepe? Really? If I were a guy or otherwise had a living, spooging penis on my body (attached to me, not to another person), I’d nickname it something warm and fuzzy like Atilla or Ghengis…or Thor.
Jan Miraglio said:
on January 24, 2007 at 11:36 pm
My anti-spam word sucked…pow, what kind of sucky verification is that?
Anywho.
We had our fucking phone, cable tv, and power lines downed from the fucking ice storms that decided screw the hell out of the state of Oklahoma! Atleast I had family, albeit “hickish” as the ball-n-chain says, nearby we could stay with. The trees the ball-n-chains said land-witch should have trimed, well they don’t need it now!
Back to subject, we made it back to “Home Sweet Sugar Shack” last night after getting power back monday, water monday, phone and internet and cable tv yesturday! We may be asses, but we ain’t dumb asses!!!
Slowly, at a lazy drunken snail’s pace slowly that is!, I am updating my blog with the ordeal. Ok, so I am self editing the boring arguments with the kid and the ball-n-chains out of the story.
Take care, oh hell just take a V sq for me dude….I could it!
Jan Miraglio said:
on January 24, 2007 at 11:38 pm
I am such a stupid bitch!!!!
This is twice now this evening that I have posted a comment under the wrong fucking day….ugh. Pretend I left this under tomorrows post …..
Mr. Fabulous said:
on January 25, 2007 at 5:44 am
Jan–You need to relax! LOL You’re safe and sound….take a deep breath…
Maven–That is because I am kinder and gentler than you are LOL
Lynda–My love is a stake? Does that mean I am not allowed to love vampires?
Michele–You want to spank me?
Lynda said:
on January 26, 2007 at 2:40 pm
Sure you can. It’s a free country.