The show went well. You can download it here.

I opened and closed with Randall Bramblett’s Used To Rule The World. If you’ve never heard of him, you need to check it out.

We had fun. Props to Cissa and Dave and Cami and Tim and Bond and Karl and Lucy, who were the live wires in the chatroom.

We talked about Turnbaby and I planning to meet Lucy, Laci, Sodapop and Monique in Louisville one day soon for a piercing and tattoo fest, with some karaoke thrown in for good measure.

We talked about getting over to Memphis one of these days to see Vinnie.

We talked about getting another Duet Show in the works. If you were going to be a part of the cancelled Duet Show 3 you can expect to get an email from me in a few weeks.

We talked about Doc Blogstein’s show. He had midgets on his show yesterday. Well, I assume. It was someone from Smallville.

We talked about my buddy Tim’s new radio show Football Pickers, which is about…well…what the name says. They also have a website here.

We talked about how I have been brainwashed into enjoying NASCAR.

We talked about UK vs. UF football, which is like comparing a Yugo with a Porche.

We talked about our movie reviews: Dark Knight C+, Mamma Mia B+, Tropic Thunder A, Bottle Shock A, Pineapple Express A-/B+

We talked about how I am going to kick ass in both Turnbaby’s and Jay’s fantasy football leagues.

We talked about Adam and Britt’s radio show, and how I always wait for that one special moment when Britt completely goes ballistic.

We talked about how we hope to get down to Orlando in a few months for Adam’s Halloween party, depending on what my work situation is.

We talked about how much karaoke Turnbaby and I have been doing around town, and why you should never attempt U Got The Look cold.

We also talked about how I am going to contract with someone to build a karaoke stage in the basement, which is a clear and present indicator that I need some sort of professional help.

We talked about the Olympics (yawn) and the upcoming election (yuck).

We talked about how I am not allowed to run over neighborhood children, even if they are trespassing in my driveway.

We talked about Jesus freaks coming over later this week to fix my laptop (the computer, thank you very much).

I DIDN’T get to talk about my idea about funeral homes run by clowns, or about my antipathy for little kids who try to bowl, or about my seething hatred for people who don’t take down their yard sale signs after the yard sale is over. Oh well.

We also didn’t talk about Poppy, but I’m linking her because we think she’s pretty.

This Tuesday evening, at 8:00 PM, I will be guest hosting on Turnbaby Talks, as she will be at a social function that I am not allowed to attend, as I have neither a law degree nor a vagina.

Ahhh…a triumphant return to BlogTalkRadio, land that I love!

What do I have planned for the show? Me. Talking. For an hour. I will not be taking any calls, although I will respond to folks that are in the chat.

What will the show be like? Imagine that Morton Downey Jr. and Garrison Keillor had a baby together, and that baby was adopted by Jodie Foster, and she hired Richard Speck to be its baby sitter. Now imagine that you are trapped with that baby in an elevator, and the baby has developed a taste for human flesh. Now imagine that Dick Cavett is doing the play-by-play for the whole grisly scene that will inevitably ensue.

Now forget all that, because I have no idea what I am talking about. But that’s pretty much what the show will be like. And that’s fine, because it’s all for charity. Specifically, all proceeds from the show will benefit VOICE, which is an organization that teaches mimes to once again speak, mostly by holding them down and punching them until they agree to stop being mimes. Also, they hose them down until all that white facepaint is gone.

Please listen to the show on Tuesday night. Please help stamp out mimeatude in our lifetime.

Who better than I to do a guest post for the lovely Dutchy? After all, thanks to her, I own a genuine pair of size 15 wooden shoes. Also, I have always had a great affinity for the Dutch people, in that I have long been a fan of the man and woman each paying for their share on a date.

Y’all better recognize!

Turnbaby Talks debuts at its new time tonight at 8 PM EST. It was decided to move the show off Sunday so Turnbaby could devote more time to her Bible studies. Oh, and also she feeds the homeless on that night, too.

Tonight’s show will be all about The Law, and how it is designed to keep black men like me down. She will also be fielding questions, if you’ve got them. Personally, I would like to know why Jill Hennessey left Law And Order. She was my favorite ADA.

If you have killed people and stuffed them in the crawlspace in your basement, she can probably tell you how to beat the rap.

So tune in tonight and get lawyered up, bitches.

It’s the other 2% I’m after.

It’s fantasy football time, kids. I am the commissioner for the ESPN league Turnbaby Tackles. The league is free to join, you just have to create an account with ESPN.com.

The league is made of up ten teams, five in each division. The first division has been filled.

I am coaching the Boston Mobsters.
Bond is at the helm of the Bronx Badda Bings.
Jay is fielding the proud Arkansas Deatheaters.
Tim is in control of the Florabama Knuckleheads.
Turnbaby has assembled the Southern Sirens.

It’s all about having fun and competing with other bloggers on the gridiron. God, that sounded gay.

It’s not an ultra-serious gung-ho league, but we do ask that if you join that you stick it out through the season. There is nothing more frustrating than having a league full of owners that quit halfway through when their team starts to falter.

It will be an auto-draft, so all you have to do is pre-rank the players, or you can go with the ESPN rankings. We’d prefer players who have played fantasy football before, because I am a lousy teacher.

If you want an invite, shoot me an email and I’ll get one out to you. We have five teams left, so first come first served.

Thanks!

In case you are interested, Turnbaby Talks will be celebrating its One Year Anniversary at 8 PM EST on Sunday July 20.

I am told that there will be Quid Pro Quo and Live Trivia. Also, rumors have been swirling about a Special Mystery Guest that will be on the show. The buzz is that this guest will be speaking on such diverse topics as blogger drama, the mysteries of life, and how to get rid of stubborn grass stains.

I have also learned that this guest will be divulging some secrets about Turnbaby that you may not have known. Also, it may finally revealed where that little bastard Waldo has been all this time.

The Special Mystery Guest may also be handing a few prizes out himself.

I’ve done a bit of sleuthing, and the smart money says that the Special Mystery Guest will be none other than Mr. Ben Vereen. But you never know. It might be someone else.

I think I’ll catch the show. Should be a good one. And a one year anniversary on BlogTalkRadio is certainly worth celebrating.

I am going to have to figure out what to wear. I want to impress Mr. Vereen.

I think Tempted by Squeeze is one of the all time great songs as far as lending itself to parody. A while back I did Tempted By The Sweet Sally Struthers. It occurs to me that a pretty good song could be written titled Tempted By The Cooch Of Your Mother. I am going to have to let someone else do it, though. I don’t repeat myself.

The Catholic Church has been going through a pretty rough stretch over the last few years. I say they should bet it all on one role of the dice, designed to either restore the church to its former glory, or cause it to disband for good. That roll of the dice? Two words: Pope Avitable.

Because I am an egotist and paranoid, I have several Google Alerts set up to let me know when anyone uses words like Mr. Fabulous, Fabby, or Pointless Drivel within the content of their blogs. There are a lot of people nowadays using “fabby” as an adjective. Cut it out. Seriously. I am a fucking noun, people. I am not, nor will I ever be, an adjective. Sure, I don’t really blog much anymore, but it’s the principal of the thing, damn it.

Have I missed blogging? Surprisingly, no. Not even a little bit. I still dabble a bit on my whore blog, but that’s mostly to earn money to support my Pez habit. I miss the radio show somewhat, as I enjoy talking and interacting with you guys, but BlogTalkRadio has pissed me off so much that I would never go back, and was thinking of ditching the program long before I actually did. Don’t get me started about the asshats at BTR.

So what have I been doing? I’ve been shopping the book around, trying to get an agent. I’ve been trying to find a job I like in the real world. I have been spending an inordinate amount of time on Facebook. And I have been keeping up with you guys as best I can. You folks lead some pretty interesting lives.

Oh, and I thought I had become a father with Angelina Jolie, but apparently that was Brad Pitt.

Okay, the guard is signalling that my time is up. I’ve enjoyed our little visit. Thanks for the cigarettes. Hopefully presenting them as gifts to the right people will keep me from getting shanked in the shower. Again.

I had a lot I was going to write here, but…fuck it.

If you’re new to this trainwreck, take a look through the archives. I used to be pretty funny.

I am going on out my own terms.

I’ve seen the terms “quitting” and “cowardly” mentioned in the comments. Wrong-O. I am not running away from anything. I am taking this opportunity to go on hiatus for many reasons. Among them:

1. I thought it might be a good idea to take some time and work on my marriage. Hmm? Hmmm?

2. I need to be less of a couch potato, and get in some kind of reasonable shape. I have been hearing rumors about something called “outdoors”. I plan to look into that.

3. I need to work out the logistics of nearly everything I own, including important papers, medical records, financial stuff, etc. still being up in Kentucky.

4. I need to get a job. Money is good. My actions have set us way back. I hear you can exchange money for goods and services. I like goods and services.

5. Remember the book? I would REALLY like to FINALLY polish it up and look for an agent. THAT will be my creative outlet for a while, until it is done.

6. I need time to deal with a load of guilt so massive that I am thinking about naming it.

I’ll be back with another humor blog. A smaller one.

Okay, now THIS has been the second to last post.

I have dibs on whatever taco salad Dave2 doesn’t finish.

Editor’s Note: Oh, and for the record? For those of you who think they are owed a complete explanation from me? Even though no explanation would satisfy you, and you would inevitably fall back on “Well, you shouldn’t have started down this path in the first place”?

Yeah. Suck my cock.

Editor’s Note 2: Thank you to all the kind souls who have emailed and facebooked and Twittered me with words of love, comfort, and support. I promise I will get back to all of you, but it may take a few days.